Reptile Newt Surpasses the Donald

Who would believe that although the reptile* had barely entered the Republican primary race that he could become a bigger joke than Donald Trump so soon?

After his appearance on Meet the Press where he managed to stuff both feet into his mouth at one time regarding Paul Ryan’s (and the GOP’s) plan to destroy Medicare, the GOP/Tea Party/Conservative backlash put him into a full-blown panic, ultimately walking back from his comments and pulling a John Kyl. (You know, explaining that what he said was not meant to be a factual statement.) And as if that didn’t create enough ridicule, his campaign spokesman, Rick Tyler, released a statement that can only be described as making George Bush’s destruction of the English language pale in comparison.

At least you knew what Bush intended to say when he mangled English, but in Newt’s case, except for Fox News who thought it was brilliant, it was pretty hard to figure out what he was saying beyond “poor, poor, pitiful me.”

The literati sent out their minions to do their bidding. Washington cannot tolerate threats from outsiders who might disrupt their comfortable world. The firefight started when the cowardly sensed weakness. They fired timidly at first, then the sheep not wanting to be dropped from the establishment’s cocktail party invite list unloaded their entire clip, firing without taking aim their distortions and falsehoods. Now they are left exposed by their bylines and handles. But surely they had killed him off. This is the way it always worked. A lesser person could not have survived the first few minutes of the onslaught. But out of the billowing smoke and dust of tweets and trivia emerged Gingrich, once again ready to lead those who won’t be intimidated by the political elite and are ready to take on the challenges America faces.

This reads like George Will on acid, with Gingrich or Tyler (whoever is willing to admit authorship) aiming for an intellectual level far beyond his reach. The metaphors defy comprehension—armed sheep on their way to cocktail parties?? “. . .the billowing smoke and dust of tweets and trivia”??

The best thing to emerge from the “smoke and dust” of Newt’s embarrassment is John Lithgow‘s dramatic reading of the press release on Steven Colbert’s show. (Click on the link to open the Comedy Central video player–the clip is no longer available on YouTube.)

There’s also a very good rendition of the press release as an illustrated found poem by Jon White in the Atlantic. And John Lundberg, on Huffington Post, provides his own creative response:

Perhaps Fox News was on the right track with its epic praise, as the release’s tone, at least, is reminiscent of Milton’s greatest work. Book VI of Paradise Lost describes the Son of God’s arrival on the battlefield of heaven. It could well be Gingrich’s next press release, as our hero emerges to take back America from the heavily armed mercenary sheep.

Among them [Gingrich!] arriv’d; in his right hand
Grasping ten thousand Thunders, which he sent
Before him, such as in thir Soules infix’d
Plagues; they astonisht all resistance lost,
All courage; down thir idle weapons drop’d;
O’re Shields and Helmes, and helmed heads he rode
Of Thrones and mighty [sheep] prostrate,
That wish’d the Mountains now might be again
Thrown on them as a shelter from his ire.</

Who would have thought the race for the Republican primary could be so entertaining?

* No disrespect intended for the cute little lizards who populate our southwestern back yard.

About Sharon

**Writing, both personal and professional, has always been an important aspect of my life. **Personally, whether I write from experience or invent fictional characters, I learn so much about myself. Writing has always helped me understand and deal with important events and issues in my life. The blog, "Boxelders and Blackberries" serves this purpose. **My "gravatar" is a boxelder tree, which I hope provides a way to bring together my personal and professional writing. The boxelder tree branches into multiple trunks, each representing a different direction my life and career has taken.
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